I Rewatched Love Actually 15 Years Later & It’s Still The Worst

Juliet, Peter & Mark (Keira Knightley, Chiwetel Ejiofor & Andrew Lincoln)

Juliet and Peter just got married but Peter’s best friend Mark has been in love with Juliet for like forevs. He shows this by being really rude to her all the time, so much so that Juliet thinks Peter hates her. Top job, Mark! He loves her so much that he makes a whole movie of close-ups of her teeth. Being the good guy that he is, he professes his undying love behind his friend’s back.

What else can I say about Love Actually‘s most famous scene, except that it is undoubtedly the proud winner of the Creepiest Storyline award. And winner of the Most Terrible Use Of Keira Knightley’s Time. And winner of The Most Underwritten Character Ever for Chiwetel Ejiofor.

The only positive we can take from this is that if anyone is ever rude and standoffish with you, you can rest assured that it’s not because they don’t like you. They are acting that way because they are head over heels in love with you! Par example, when an angry cyclist on a bike called me a stupid c*** when he zoomed past me on Friday, he was actually melting inside because he was SO in love with me.

Anyway, in conclusion, my problem with Love Actually is that it’s devoid of love. Especially for women. For most of them, ‘love’ is something they don’t expect or control but that happens to them, like being frotted on the Tube. The truth is love is messy and frequently very fucked up, but it’s got diddly-squat to do with grand gestures (a friend of mine once woke to the chilling sight of her name spelled out on her front lawn with daffodils stolen from her neighbours’ gardens. I advised her to telephone the police).

Before I switch off my electric blankie and go to sleep I will say this: Love Actually does have some redeeming features. Bill Nighy is brilliant as a washed-up rocker who would sell his soul to keep the royalty cheques coming. His is the funniest (however little rom there is in Love Actually, there’s even less com) storyline by far. Also: Julia Davis is in this movie, which is almost enough to save anything, unless it’s this saccharine sack of shit. Merry Christmas.