We Asked A Cynic To Put Her  Horoscope To The Test For 7 Days

Until fairly recently, I didn’t know my star sign. True story. Never read ’em, never wondered, never cared. The response I get when I disclose this to others is very similar to how I react when people tell me they’ve never seen Star Wars (“What? You’re lying. How the fuck did this happen?”) and it started to make me question if I was missing out on something.

I wasn’t sure what horoscopes did for people – offer life-changing advice? A push in the right direction? Or just LOLs? So I set myself a little challenge: to read my horoscope every day for five days in a row and write about how accurate/helpful/fun it was. And OH MY CHRIST if any hardcore horoscope readers say this approach is not scientific, I will cry hot little tears all over my Pret avocado and brie toastie.

Right, here we go. Hold my hand…

Horoscope says: You’ve spent quite a bit of time with a certain person recently, and your friends are starting to kid you about it – so much so that one more comment about wedding bells just might tip you over the edge. If you’re starting to wonder, however, if it might not actually be time to settle down and put an end to your solo lifestyle, think about it. Wouldn’t it be nice to climb that mountain, cross that bridge and see the sun set from a pyramid with a permanent travel partner?

I say: Slap my Scorpio ass and call me Nancy! Day one is a bone fide beauty! I have JUST started seeing someone (five dates, new world record) and my friends were mocking me because I am considering eating in front of him (long story lads). Also when it says “climb that mountain” they are being literal AF ’cause guess who just booked five days hiking across the Swiss Alps. ALONE. I am imagining myself like Reese Witherspoon in Wild when I’m sure it will just be me snotting into a sock and emitting lonely cries like a mountain goat – but this horoscope really made me think, Maybe I should ask him to come? He loves the outdoors and probably owns something Gore-Tex. Not sure how practical watching a sunset from a pyramid is, because pyramids are shaped like pyramids, and as far as I know there aren’t any in east London.

Verdict: A little moon dust has been sprinkled on the pelvic floor of my cynicism.

Horoscope says: Think about getting a degree from a respected and accredited educational institution. This document will open doors that were previously closed to you. An employer who is looking for an able and presentable spokesperson will be excited to offer you a job. You’ll do very well in this position. Indulge your love of luxury. This is a wonderful time to treat yourself to a gourmet meal, fashionable outfit or new scent.

I say: I already have a degree, you patronising toad. And a master’s so screw you. Anyway, degrees are overrated. All I learned studying for my M.Phil was how to act interested in the rich American visiting students while they wanged on about James Joyce long enough that they’d buy you a cider. If I even suggested going back to college my parents would go postal, so not happening. Also, no one offered me a job today, and presentable is the last thing I’d call myself. (A former boss used to shout “Katy pull down your skirt!” and “Katy give your hair a brush” every time I left the office.) I also hate luxury, posh food and shopping. The final bit was dead on though ’cause I got home at midnight to find the prick of a fox who stalks my house had a party ripping the bins apart, leaving rubbish all over the yard. A new scent indeed!

Verdict: Puts the ass in astrology.

Horoscope says: You’re apt to be in a romantic mood today, Sagittarius. Your whole being may revolve around love and romance. You will find that your romanticism is heightened. This is a terrific day to snuggle up to a loved one and share intimate moments and passionate kisses. Pamper yourself with a hot bath and feel free to go out on the town. Not everything is as it seems today!

I say: Sagittarius? Who are you calling Sagittarius? According to Monday and Tuesday’s horoscopes (one online and one national newspaper), being born on 22nd November makes me Scorpio. I feel like I just found out I’m adopted. Apart from that little head fuck, I am feeling the opposite of romantic. I have a day two, level five period so I look like and have the temperament of Jabba the Hutt (if you haven’t seen Star Wars I cannot help you). I’m cranky and the thought of lying in bed with someone else while I’m retaining this much water makes me want to kill. I will have a bath later though because I have a friend’s party tomorrow that I cannot miss or be hungover for, which is why I have written “DO NOT GO OUT TONIGHT FOOL” in caps in my diary. Whoever wrote this horoscope is trying to sabotage me. As for “not everything is as it seems”, I admit I was weirded out when I opened a tampon earlier that I was convinced was an applicator but was in fact not. Other than that, I have zero time for aphorisms today.

Verdict: I hope I’m Scorpio again tomorrow.

Horoscope says: While YOU may be ready to bury the hatchet and do your bit toward forgiveness, the other party may still be holding a grudge – or isn’t “evolved” enough to own their part in this entanglement. The sensitive moon is lingering in your house of unconscious motivation and healing, but it’s aligned with Mars in your family zone, suggesting that someone may be clinging to their anger or sense of righteous indignation. Let them know you still care, but don’t fixate on them.

I say: The main thing on my mind this morning as I race to the hairdresser at 8am and beg her to give me sexy hair and not Irish dancer ringlets is that I have a big thing to go to later and I’m feeling a bit of pre-emptive social anxiety. The only known cure for this is drinking your face off. I read my horoscope on the bus and my first thought is that it doesn’t relate to what’s going on in my thick skull at all. “Sensitive moon” sounds like a fragrance that Cate Blanchett would be the face of. As for my “house of unconscious motivation”, who wrote this, Nietzsche? But then I think a little and the grudge could apply to a situation I have with an increasingly distant old friend. As for the “family zone”, I have a sibling who I could certainly benefit from applying “care but don’t fixate” to. So on second glance, this horoscope feels incisive and pertinent. I’m sure an Aquarian or a Leo could read it and think the very same, but still 10/10 for looking into my soul.

Verdict: I’m getting into this; still 99.9% gonna drink my face off tonight.

Horoscope says: Happy personal New Year! Today marks the only Sagittarius new moon of the year and, for you, the first day of a powerful six-month cycle. You’ve got the cosmos on your side, so make a bold move toward realising your wildest dreams. Here’s a manifesting tip: The clearer your goals, the faster you’ll be able to make them a reality. So sometime today, reflect on what you’d like your life to look like when the corresponding full moon hits next summer.

I say: I had no idea today was my personal New Year. If I’d known, I might have brushed my hair. I’m sincerely psyched for this powerful six-month cycle ahead though. I know I’ve been a sarcastic Scorpio/Sagittarius hybrid this week but this is my favourite horoscope and actually made me crystallise my “goals” for the next six months. So here we go, by next year I’d like to have found somewhere new to live, have adopted a dog and be dating someone who’s not an addict. Wish me luck, cosmos!

This story was originally published in December 2018

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